Class today began with a lovingkindness meditation. I slipped it in on them when they thought they could simply watch their breath and perhaps review the names of the cranial nerves, or whatever their minds do when they stop long enough to breathe comfortably and disengage a bit from the hustle-bustle of medical school.
Some were surprised that it was so awkward and difficult to direct the intentions of “May I live in safety and health. May have understanding. May I be happy. May I have ease of being.” toward themselves. Most were Ok with directing some or all of those intentions toward people who pose difficulty in their lives. But the real meat of the conversation arose when I asked “So what does lovingkindness have to do with the practice of medicine?”
Several students were quick to recount their experience of meeting a specific standardized simulated patient (played by an actor) that they had had to work with the previous week. This individual was from a different culture, had some very specific (non-Western allopathic medicine) beliefs and practices for treating her asthma, and was not using her medicines as prescribed. Suffice it to say that this patient provoked a tremendous amount of frustration, self-doubt, uncertainty and downright irritation! For all their idealism and the best of intentions, these doctors-to-be were struggling to keep their compassion (and their composure) with this challenging patient.
Much discussion led to a general sense that perhaps there was more to be gleaned from such an encounter by focusing on the relationship, rapport and one’s own reactions and defensiveness, than by bearing down and trying harder. It gave me an opportunity to share one of my recent favorite quotes, by John Moriarty:
” The best way to experience grace is to willingly surrender to gravity.”
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I was lying down on the floor even before the words “you don’t necessarily have to be sitting” left Dr. Hickman’s mouth. I’m not a huge fan of sitting cross-legged and straight-backed; I’m not sure my body was built for that. For a long time it’s kind of bothered me that I haven’t been able to sit down like a lot of people seem to be able to. It’s just sitting, right? How can I be bad at something as simple as sitting? Even Knicks fans can sit! (I actually don’t really follow sports other than tennis or “have a team”, but I figured all the cool kids do, so I felt compelled to make some sort of snide comment aimed at a “rival” team in order to show solidarity and maybe hopefully get invited to one of those parties where all the senior girls and football players drink beer their older brothers bought for them!)
Wow, that was a long aside. Anyways, I’d walk into a room where everyone was camped out comfortably on the floor and pause, steeling myself for the arduous task of pretzeling my long legs into a sort of figure 5 (does that even exist? I’m just trying hard to be clever and witty, maybe then I’ll get invited to one of those artsy parties where everyone wears scarfs and hats and smokes clove cigarettes and talks about the latest underground indie band while munching on sesame seed crackers topped with aged brie and caramelized pears). I’d shift back and forth, hunching forward and arching backward, wriggling and squirming like a 2nd-grader who reallllly has to go potty during the Pledge of Allegiance (true story, it happened to me; good times). Finally, exasperated and with my hips giving me mean looks I’d resort to one of the equally uncomfortable options known as “sitting with your legs straight out in front of you while you lean back on your elbows and your shoulders start to cry” or “lying down on one side while propping your head up with your hand and wow I think my wrist is going numb.” Why couldn’t I be like everyone else and sit comfortably?
And then, last class, it dawned on me: who cares? And then it also dawned on me that I had left my wet laundry in the washing machine the night before and now I was going to have to wash it again to get that damp stale smell out of them and hopefully nobody stole my clothes but I doubt they’d steal my clothes right but you never know these days… and then it re-dawned on me that it didn’t really matter that I wasn’t able to sit down cross-legged as gracefully as some of the people surrounding me, because that’s who I am and what I’m able to do. It was freeing to finally give myself a break from assuming that I *should* be able to do something and instead be gentle with myself and accepting of my current state. Instead of getting frustrated or disconsolate, I could simply acknowledge my limitations and where I was at each moment in my efforts to sit properly (Wow. Really? “…where I was at each moment in my efforts to sit properly”? My life sounds like such a gallant crusade, doesn’t it? No wonder I don’t have a girlfriend.)
And thus a burden was lifted from my shoulders (and my hips), and I now can accept that “seated meditation” is not for me. It’s also really convenient because in my much-preferred sprawled-out-on-my-back position, I can now engage in “sleeping mediation”, a most relaxing and soothing version of traditional meditation that I highly encourage you all to experiment with.
I can’t possibly follow Francesco’s wonderful post without making a few comments – dear friend, how wonderful that you have released your mind and body from the suffering of cross-legged sitting! While kudos are in order, I can’t help but notice the self-deprecation and sarcastic self loathing speckled throughout your post. I know your words are playful and written with a sly smile, but I hold for you the possibility for an even deeper release and freeing experience…maybe some of that, whatever it is lurking beneath, could be released, just as with the “obligation” to sit cross-legged. You are one of the most interesting, compassionate, kind-hearted and humanistic people I have ever met and I hope that you can extend some of that loving-kindness sent to your hips to your whole being as well.
That said, I will continue with loving kindness, which I believe was the theme of class today…Unfortunately, I was unable to make it to class this day. While unfortunate, it also allowed me to assume the perspective of an outsider looking in, experiencing the class from the perspective of my colleagues, freed of my own impressions and experiences. I was interested to find that the loving kindness meditation was recounted with groans and disdain. I had to stop and think about that for at least a moment. Whats interesting is that my colleagues’ reactions were not unique. In past experience, I have heard similar reactions from friends and fellow yogis and meditators. Why is it that the moment we are asked to direct some love and some sweetness inward that so many of us groan and become impatient? Why is that such a foreign concept for so many of us? Why is it that even the most compassionate of us all have difficulty returning that love to self? Why is that so hard? I don’t have the answer…but i have a feeling the answer has something to do with mindfulness.
It was amazing to me how good today’s meditation felt. It was by far the happiest, most peaceful experience I have had thus far. I found myself spontaneously smiling throughout and had no lapses into sleep whatsoever! While I have struggled with many of the other meditations, for whatever reason I had no struggles today. I had no problem wishing safety and health, understanding, happiness, or ease of being on anyone called upon during this meditation– a loved one, myself, an acquaintance, or someone for whom I had unpleasant feelings. In fact, I was so content by the end of the meditation that I even had trouble thinking of someone whom I do not like.
So of course, all of this got me thinking. If a lovingkindness meditation can make me SO happy, why don’t I practice it all the time? First, I have never been exposed to the formal meditation, so I will definitely try to incorporate it more now that I have. And as far as practicing it minute by minute in my life, the answer is that I think I try to, but it is not always so easy. Perhaps I was just in a really good space on this particular day (it was the first week of a five week block after all). I have tried to practice it in difficult moments (eek!), and it is always helpful, although sometimes more than others. From now on, I resolve to try to make this lovingkindness more a part of my regular, daily life both in interactions with patients and with others.
All 3 responses were very interesting. Francesco’s dillema is a very real one because it is quite common for people who are used to chairs, to find it impossible even to twist their legs into a pretzel on the floor! But I would ask Francesco to self – inquire, what belief about himself stopped him from being able to sit on the floor. Often we limit ourselves with beliefs that are not true and that is not being compassionate to oneself. Since charity begins with oneself why not try to overcome this belief with loving kindness and allow the body to try out a new sitting position even if it is just for a minute! Then enjoy the luxury of lying back!
A sense of achievement is like a pat on the back when one does something kind towards oneself.
Cat’s observation about how it is so difficult to turn some loving kindness within was interesting. She felt the answer may lie in being mindful. Here again we must enquire why there is so much disdain and who is responsible for creating this attitude we have towards ourselves? These emotional blockages exist in order to be cleared out before we can work positively with loving kindness.
It might help to work from inside-out rather than outside-in.
Just a thought….