Little did the class know when we started off with a simple Awareness of Breath meditation that it would unfold into allowing all things to arise in awareness without priority for anything. It was fascinating to hear people talk about how hard it was to notice thoughts when they were “allowed” to do so (as if this was forbidden up until now!) There were a lot of questions (spoken and implied) about whether or not they were “doing it right”. Some felt overwhelmed by the myriad of choices bombarding them in any given moment and finally found that the only way they could control it was to let go of needing to control it! Cool. Mission accomplished from my point of view!
We did a communication exercise incorporating some ideas from Gregory Kramer’s Insight Dialogue book and they had a chance to engage in mindful dialogue with one another on the topic of suffering. The contrast between the tone of regular conversation and “Listening Deeply and Speaking the Truth” was marked.
As the quarter nears a close, I am really touched by the way in which the students are grappling with the material, finding themselves bumping into old habits and patterns and entertaining the possibility of doing things differently. I will be a little sad when this class wraps up in two weeks.
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Rick Hanson, PhD
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During this week’s class, I found the Awareness of Breath to be quiet refreshing, especially when we were asked to be aware of everything that arises. I started to notice things that I have never noticed before during meditation such as background noises. For a few minutes, I tried to tease out different sounds and identify their sources. This conscious choice has made it difficult for me to return to giving equal amount of attention to my breath and body. Eventually, my struggle to shift my attentions away from sounds was successful and I was able to just let thoughts arise. Some of these thoughts evoke a feeling of curiosity, while others evoke amusement. For most of them, I cannot explain why they were there but all I did was accept their presence.
After the meditation, we were asked to pair up and engage in a communication exercise, in which one person is asked to quietly listen to the other person who is talking about a particular topic. It was very comfortable for me to be the listener. I had very little urge to interrupt and found myself nodding my heads most of the time my partner was talking. It was not because I completely agreed with everything he had said. I was simply acknowledging what he had expressed and in a way assured him that I understood. When I was a speaker, however, I felt a bit uncomfortable because I was not quite sure where I should start. There were many things I could talk about. Eventually, I decided to respond to what my partner had said earlier during his turn. In a way, I was taking an easy way out. While I was speaking, I could see my partner’s desire to express his opinion and clarify his ideas, which made it hard for me to continue. I wanted to stop talking to hear what he had to say, but that, of course, was exactly what we were asked not to do in this exercise. I managed to continue talking with a new thought and my partner began to express his understanding with his nods. That, in a way, allowed me to end my speech with some ease. From this exercise, I learned a lot about my method of communication, especially my comfort level in various aspects of social interactions.
My experience of the meditation this week was very different from my prior experiences, and I am still a little confused as to how it came about. I knew I was extra tired that day but I chose to lay down during the meditation, risking sleep, rather than fight it. I remember the beginning of the meditation and focusing on my breath, but the next thing I knew an undetermined amount of time had passed, and the room was quiet. My mind began to wander… but for some reason I decided that this time I was too tired to fight it and maintain focus. I let my mind go where it pleased, and was pleased in return by most of the things that came up. I saw old friends and loved ones. I contemplated school (without associated stress for once) and how much I enjoyed the people around me. I wondered what I would eat for dinner. I had all of these thoughts and more, and as Dr. Hickman began to remind us occasionally to return to our breath I realized that instead of using my breath to block out other thoughts and keep my mind open I was using it as a reset button to start a new train of thought. Overall it was a lovely period of time (still not sure what length of time I was really there for, but it felt like a long time). I did however come across the thought that this had been a bit rebellious to the nature of the awareness of breath exercise, but for once remained unconcerned. When the meditation was finished and we began to discuss it I was shocked to find out that there had been an entire set of instructions that I had not consciously heard. Despite not having any recollection of Dr. Hickman’s words, I had somehow managed to wake up open and aware of all of my thoughts, just as the exercise had been intended. A little embarrassed and still mulling over the whys and hows of this revelation, I remained silent in class. It has become very clear to me throughout this course that the line between conscious thought and unconscious becomes very blurred in the practice of meditation. At the same time however, mindfulness to me feels like an attempt to bring the unconscious thoughts, sensations, and biases we all have into the conscious realm and into our awareness. Perhaps somehow by blurring the line we can move both unconscious and conscious into the same category. Then we just have to become aware of them all, this part may not be so easy.
The second exercise (mindful communication) was a pleasant surprise as well. My partner for the exercise was Cat and I can’t help but feel that we had a leg up on the general population for this exercise. Even our first conversation without the restrictions on who was talking and who listening was slow paced, well thought out, and considerate. Our conversations on suffering (both sides) were the brief beginnings of long stories that I think we were both sad were cut short by the end of the exercise. Moral of this story: more mindful communication to come, and better relationships to come out of it.
I second many of Jane’s sentiments regarding the communication exercise. It was interesting for me to engage as the solitary speak and as the silent listener, and each provided a different set of challenges. I found the role of speaker most challenging not because of any difficulty in finding something to talk about, but in accepting that my silence between thoughts would not be hijacked by the listener’s turn to talk. Before this exercise I did not realized who much I treated conversations like a tennis match, where each participate has time to express his or her thoughts until passing the conversation forward, largely by a well placed pause. In this exercise, the well placed pause only provided me more time to think about what I had just said, hope that it made sense, and decide how to proceed. The uninterrupted pauses seemed to invoke some discomfort in my body, and I discovered that I tend to pass on the conversation to others instead of dominating it myself. Perhaps this is a protective habit that allows me to stay somewhat disengaged, or maybe it is purely good manners and my way of allowing equal conversation time for all. I think I’ll need to spend some more time thinking about this…. Your turn.
Last weeks class has been with me throughout my entire weekend and through today. Before MBRS was something I was thinking about the day before class and during class but I can’t help but notice how meditation practice has found a welcome place in my life. Sitting still and finding my breath has always been a huge challenge for me and the more I practiced and tried to take control of my thoughts the more difficult it became. I essentially had given up on meditation. Now as I start my practice again I find that I have a new appreciation for recognizing drifting thoughts while not criticizing myself for having them.
Reflecting on the conversation activity I learned a lot about myself. I noticed I’m not a good listener at all. In fact I found myself having to show more restraint then I expected. It was an eye opening experience to see how much more enlightened about the different perspectives in the world if I just listen and fully internalize what the other person is saying instead of waiting for my turn to talk. I also noticed how engaged I am in the conversation depends on not only how interesting the topic is to me but how closely the speaker mirrors my own views. I was very humbled by this experience.
I was very intrigued by the exercise on listening/conversation. We separated in groups of 2 and were given a word to discuss. We were not given instructions on how to to talk about the word. Afterward we were given another word, but this time only one person could talk and the other person had to listen. We then reversed the order. We quickly realized that when we talk to someone, that we are not listening as actively as we should be. That often times, we already have something to say without letting the other person finish. I thought this was a very useful finding especially since we are going into a profession where listening to patients is key to healing and diagnosing illness. I really enjoyed this part of “mindfulness” and I hope to be more aware of this in the future.
While discussing our experiences of the meditation and our unique interactions with thought, sound, physical awareness, ect. during the practice, Dr. Hickman provided us with an image that has stuck with me. He offered the image of a waterfall, representing the barrage of thoughts, sensations, distractions, and reactions, and encouraged us to experience these as if we were standing just behind the waterfall. Maybe we might feel some spray from the down pouring water, but ultimately we would save ourselves the discomfort of the overwhelming pelt of water raining down. I love this image. I took a few moments to retreat into my own mind and experience to process my thoughts. The experience of standing back just slightly, of removing oneself from the immediate down pour, is so valuable. I find that when I am able to do this, I am able to approach whatever the situation is with a greater sense of ease and clarity. To be able to achieve some slight distance from whatever it is you are processing allows you to fully evaluate and appreciate whatever it is and to approach it from a place of deeper understanding. I feel less reactive and more confidant whenever I am able to step back.
For me, the most interesting part of today’s class was our exercise in truly listening to each other. Talking without having any verbal feedback was awkward at points and had me feeling as though I had to keep talking to prevent silence. But, listening intently without interrupting was even harder. Because I had asked my partner if she had any questions at the end, I found myself anticipating the fact that she might ask me the same question. So, I had to struggle not to try to think of my question while I should actually be listening to her. I also had a hard time not interrupting her, especially when her facial expressions gave me clues that she wanted reassurance.
Later she in fact confirmed that she had wanted more reassurance. I think this illustrates the fine line that must be walked between just listening and offering feedback, empathetic comments, etc. In fact, this is something that I have often struggled with with patients. I often wonder whether I should share my common experience with them (“I’m just getting over a cold too!”) to humanize myself and connect with them, or whether that is diverting attention away from them and onto myself. I still don’t know the answer, but it is important that I keep asking the question.
I wanted to comment regarding the class we had last week in the absence of Dr. Hickman. I found this session to be very beneficial to my mindful practice (perhaps more than I expected to it be going in thinking we would just be on a conference call). But I found the stand-in teacher to be very helpful in putting the practice of mindfulness into our daily lives. In particular, she taught is the Walking Meditation, which I believe was refreshing to many of us who, as one student commented, spend much of our days sitting. I personally find myself resisting taking even more time in my days, particularly in my “break” time to sit more for a meditation. However, I am more then happy to get outside to be active. I also know that some of my most mindful times before starting this class were during my runs, where I notice how my body feels with each step and I am aware of everything going on around me, even the little things on the ground. I found the Walking Meditation exercise we did to be a more formal practice of something that I find myself doing a little bit every time I run. I am working to incorporate mindful walking into my mindfulness practice more regularly.
One of my favorite phrases/ mental images from this class concerned our experience during the awareness of breath meditation, particularly when we were asked to appreciate and be aware of anything and everything around us. A lot of us struggled with this, but Dr. Hickman gave us the perfect analogy to explain the ideal approach. At first, all the sensory stimulation may seem like you are standing under a waterfall – getting buffeted with a flood of things to distract you/ pull you in one direction or the other. Since we were learning the practice of being aware of all these things, we couldn’t simply ignore all of them and shut them out, but rather had to somehow be aware of them while not getting overwhelmed. The simple answer: instead of standing under the waterfall, take a step back and stand behind it. “Watch” all those thoughts and sounds rush by, without letting them drown you. Be aware without being overwhelmed. I really liked that – one of my favorite analogies we have heard so far….
This week’s communication exercise also really struck me. On a very simple level it was an interesting exploration of each of our own tendencies in conversation, and often the person ‘having trouble’ (the speaker or the listener) would be different between groups. Some speakers had trouble not getting more in-depth affirmations while talking, and some listeners had to fight not to add their own comments! Either way, it was a valuable exercise in restraint/expression and showed us what a slightly longer pause may elicit from someone.
Even more powerful for me, however, was a point from our discussion about the “stories we create for ourselves,” especially when reflecting on our conversations/ relationships with people. We may invent all sorts of reasons why something went poorly, or how significant that negative interaction was ( or even invent the idea that it was negative at all when it really wasn’t!) which can really put you in a bad mood, or even consume you in more serious relationships/ situations.
I personally had just experienced one of the worst interactions Ive had with anyone in recent memory when I was meeting with a faculty member at UCSD about working together in the future. During what was supposed to be a very collegial get-to-know-you interview, I felt repeatedly attacked and insulted – my accomplishments, my intellect and my motivations were belittled. I fancy myself a pretty easy going person and with each extremely negative and condescending comment this person threw at me, I tried to spin it into a positive, and remain calm and optimistic about working together. I succeeded in doing this but left the room in a serious funk.
Essentially the entire rest of my day was spent analyzing what I could have possibly done wrong, how I could have possibly made such a bad “second impression” on this person (we had already met once and it went fine!). I dont know what the real reason was for this negative interaction – if it was something I unwittingly did, or if perhaps this person had simply just gone through a death in the family or a divorce. Perhaps I did nothing and this person is just a difficult one to interact with.
In the end, probably much of what I dealt with afterwards was “story-creation” and wasted effort and emotion trying to figure out something which may never be figured out (other than through direct communication and expression of feelings, which I strongly believe in, but was probably not prudent in this situation). If one doesn’t approach the situation by expressing their feelings directly, perhaps the best approach is to simply “step back” and watch the waterfall of self-analysis rush by…